mindfulness: how a cup of coffee can be grounding
During my first ever therapy session, my counselor at the time suggested that when I drink my daily coveted cup of hot coffee, to take special note on how the warmth of the mug permeates through to my hands. To recognize the warmth. She suggested smelling the coffee and feeling its heat before I even took a sip.
At this time, I was maybe 16 or 17 years old, and had no handle on my emotions. I was a train wreck. Middle school and high school were very difficult, as I am sure they are for many people. If something didn’t go right? Cue the water works. It wasn’t until years later that I actually had a handle on my emotions, and honestly, that particular therapist wasn't a great fit for me. Regardless, she did foreshadow a concept that I have had in my toolbox ever sense: mindfulness.
If you were to Google the definition of “mindfulness” I’m sure you’d get some standard definition about “being in the present moment'“, and that’s not wrong, but what does it mean? We all have heard the importance of staying present, but what if my mind doesn’t work like that? What if I am constantly stressing and overwhelmed with what the future may hold?
In my early twenties, I finally surrendered. I knew I needed help getting a hold on my emotions. My cortisol levels were insanely high, and I was never really at peace. Just constantly stressed out. I met my therapist Kim. The woman who gave me all the tools I needed to become a mentally healthy and su ccessful individual. I cannot praise this woman enough! She recommended a myriad of different “self-help” books, one of which was “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. This book really kick-started the entire concept of mindfulness for me. It is an absolute must read for anyone who is struggling with staying present. One of the key takeaways in this book was the separation we have inside us. We have the “thinker” and the “observer of the thoughts”. To further explain, I may think to myself, “God, I’m not smart enough to be working at this job”. The thinker will go down a rabbit hole, catastrophizing the worst case scenario, and will accept that thought as an absolute truth. Now the observer, which also exists within all of us, will notice this thought and say, “Wow, I’m having thoughts of not being good enough.” The observer notices the thought come up without any judgement, which allows these thoughts to exist without giving them any power over us.
The author explains depression and anxiety, elaborating on how depression is primarily rooted in the past. “I wish I wouldn't have treated my ex so poorly, we could still be together.” Or, “God I miss my childhood, I didn’t have to worry about all the stressors I have as an adult.” When we think about the past, we ultimately are setting ourselves up to be a little sad. It’s a wishing, a wanting, a desire to be back with certain people at a certain time. Even reminiscing about good memories can leave us with a feeling of longing. We are happy we had the opportunity to experience a certain scenario, but deep down, we’re wishing we were back in that moment. But as we all know, time is linear and unforgiving; it stops for no one. Reminiscing and nostalgia is ultimately bittersweet.
On the flip side, we have anxiety. A lot of the time anxiety and depression goes hand in hand, but once you start observing these thoughts, you will quickly recognize if your thoughts are rooted in the past (depression) or in the future (anxiety). I found that my thoughts were primarily rooted in the future. “I have to study for hours tonight, because I HAVE to do well on my test on Friday. If I don’t do well on my test, I will have a lower grade in the class. And if I have a lower grade in the class, my internship opportunities won’t be the same as the other successful students in my class. And if I don’t have a good internship, I won’t have a good job. And if I don’t have a good job, I”ll be a disappointment to myself, to my family, and I will not be able to live the life I desire.” God, I wish I were kidding. My thoughts genuinely were like that at one point. Sometimes still, I have to stop myself in my tracks, take a breath, and just watch the thoughts go by instead of believing them outright. “I’m having thoughts and anxieties about the future right now, and these are simply thoughts, not reality.”
Mindfulness to me is noticing the “thinker”, and allowing these thoughts to come up without judgement. There is one more aspect to mindfulness though. In my opinion, simply observing these thoughts is just the first piece of the puzzle. There needs to be a moment of redirection, if you will. Once the observer steps in and notices the thinker without judgement, it is up to the observer to have a moment of grounding by redirecting these thoughts to the present moment. It is crucial that this redirection is done without judgement, and that it is a gentle redirection. Not a “Why am I still stressing about the future!!! Get over it already!” The observer moves with love and grace. For me, redirection and grounding is done by bringing attention to the world around us. I like to focus on the five senses. What am I seeing, feeling, hearing, tasting, or smelling? That is why I love my morning coffee routine. Because even though that first therapist I had wasn’t a fit, my coffee routine became a little ritual for me. My morning coffee is my morning meditation in a way. How does the hot cup feel in my hands? What am I listening to? Am I on my patio? Are birds chirping? Am I at a coffee shop hearing friends chatter around me? I check in with my body, how do I feel right now? How does my coffee smell and taste? It reminds me that I am not my thoughts. It reminds me that nothing truly exists except for what is in front of me right here, right now.
Questions to ask yourself or to journal about:
How can you implement a gentle redirection into your life? Have you ever observed your own thoughts? Do you think more about the past or the future? What little “rituals” can you start in your life to practice moments of presence and mindfulness?